Episode Thirty-Nine: ORCHESTRATED
Hello and welcome to the Mistholme Museum of Mystery, Morbidity and Mortality. This audio tour guide will be your constant companion in your journey through the unknown and surreal.
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Enjoy your tour.
And good luck.
HOD MEETING
Retrieval:
How do you wanna start this thing then?
Restoration:
I suppose we just treat it like any other meeting.
Retrieval:
Yeah sure. Nothing out of the ordinary.
Restoration:
Something like that. [Sigh] This is an emergency meeting of the Heads of Department for the Mistholme Museum of Mystery, Morbidity, and Mortality. Present are the Head of Retrieval.
Retrieval:
Present.
Restoration:
Research.
Research:
Present.
Restoration:
The Museum’s Audio Tour Guide.
Guide:
Present.
Restoration:
And myself, the Head of Restoration. The Head of Patronage is still offsite, but has given us the go ahead to hold this meeting. Yesterday there was a… Security incident.
Retrieval:
That’s one way of putting it.
Restoration:
Would you like to do the honours, then?
Retrieval:
Alright. I’ll keep it simple. Well.. simple enough. My people in the Hidden Wing were alerted to an altercation in one of the holding rooms where we keep- were keeping the former Security Department. One of them was injured, so we got her onto a stretcher and were taking her to the infirmary when she suddenly attacked us, apparently able to see in the Hidden Wing just fine, and took off. Took us all a moment to figure she was heading for the Wish Engine. By the time I managed to get there, she’d made two wishes. One, was that she and the rest of the Security Department could “go home”. Currently unclear what “home” means to them now- I can confirm that my Agents have checked at all of the Security Department’s registered addresses and there’s been no sign of them. No further leads on that right now. And as for the other wish… Ma’am?
Research:
Yes. The young lady- Astrid? Yes. She entered the device’s chamber with some purpose. It was clear that she already knew what it did. She didn’t acknowledge me until I confronted her- I was worried that she was going to make a wish, obviously I was right to. She shoved me roughly to the ground and got to work making her first wish- the precise words escape me, but the gist of it was: I wish that I’d always been able to navigate the Hidden Wing.
Restoration:
How did she even hear that name?
Research:
Then she wished that she and her family were home, and she was just… gone.
Retrieval:
So were the rest of them. No sightings since.
Guide:
Uh, yes, the Retrieval Agents back in the holding area report that the other Officers vanished too.
Retrieval:
Yep. So, that’s what happened.
Restoration:
What a cockup.
Research:
That’s one way of putting it.
Retrieval:
So, just so we’re clear- the Wish Engine can… what? Work retroactively? She could always navigate the Hidden Wing?
Research:
Yes, that appears to be the case.
Retrieval:
Before the Hidden Wing even existed?
Research:
It’s impossible to prove that, but we can hypothesis that to be the case.
Retrieval:
Take that as a yes.
Guide:
So, the Wish Engine can affect… time? Change time?
Research:
Affect- yes. Change, unclear. From our perspective it appears that wishes can be retroactive, but it’s entirely possible that the timeline changed when Astrid made her wish and we can’t recall how it used to be.
Retrieval:
Jesus Christ.
Research:
Yes, it’s quite interesting, I agree.
Retrieval:
That is not what I had in mind.
Restoration:
It is a... disturbing reminder of how little we know about the Wish Engine. We’ve been operating under the assumption that it could theoretically do anything, but theory and practise are quite different.
Research:
Yes, it’s certainly something I’ll be taking into account going forward. Up til now my experiments with the Wish Engine have been based around feeling out its capabilities, but with this revelation I can forward with the assumption that there isn’t a ceiling. Unfortunate as this has been, it has at least provided some datapoints for-
Retrieval:
No. Hell no. Absolutely not. You just found out this thing can rewrite time itself and you want to do anything other than smash it into the smallest pieces you can? You’re out of your mind.
Restoration:
That’s enough. I understand that this is a difficult situation but we’re going to keep a civil tone or this meeting is adjourned.
Retrieval:
Fine.
Research:
Damn right. This is a place of science, we can’t shy away from understanding something just because it scares us-
Guide:
I agree with the Head of Retrieval.
Research:
I’m sorry?
Guide:
I think that, with everything that's been going on lately, with… yeah, everything, having the Wish Engine around, with it being so powerful we don’t even know how powerful it is, it just feels really risky.
Retrieval:
Even if we can’t get rid of it, I say we just wall it off. Pull out of the Hidden Wing, brick up the entrance, put a goddamn bookshelf in front- whatever. The four of us, the Head of Patronage… I guess Astrid, we’re the only ones who know about it as far as we know. The only sane thing to do is to try and make sure nobody ever uses it again. The Guide’ll be able to monitor the Hidden Wing to make sure nobody gets in, alert us if they do, right?
Guide:
That’s right.
Research:
Even if that wasn’t an act of complete short-sightedness, that isn’t taking into account the possibility that someone in the future will have already made a retroactive wish. There’s no way of-
Retrieval:
“Will have already” God, I’m getting a headache, if burying that thing will stop me from hearing crap like that-
Research:
If you don’t want to hear it you don’t have to, it’s not your job. It’s my responsibility to research and understand the Alternatural, and I won’t have you getting in the way of that because you’d prefer to remain ignorant for the sake of your own comfort-
Restoration:
ENOUGH. No more. Fighting won’t get us anywhere, we need to act decisively. We’re going to vote right now on what we do about the Wish Engine. Agreed?
Retrieval:
Fine by me.
Research:
Well I think we know how the Head of Retrieval and I will vote.
Guide:
I vote we seal it away.
Research:
...Does the Guide get a vote?
Retrieval:
Yes.
Restoration:
...Yes.
Research:
Fine. Two to one. How does the Head of Restoration vote? [Beat] Unbelievable.
Restoration:
Look, tell me- you’ve been studying that thing day and night. How much closer are you to understanding it than you were when you started?
Research:
That’s not possible to quantify and you know it.
Restoration:
How much have you really learned in that time though?
Research:
I’ve learned a great deal.
Retrieval:
Why not just wish that you knew all there is to know about it?
Research:
Because if I did that, I could end up only knowing about the Engine.
Retrieval:
So wish that you knew everything you know now, plus everything there is to know about it?
Research:
Because I don’t know if I would then be able to learn anything else ever again. From what I’ve learned about the Wish Engine specificity is key, and I don’t fully know the terms in which it wants me to speak to it-
Restoration:
And that’s why it’s not worth the risk of keeping the Wish Engine around. You could take the rest of your life trying to fully understand the machine, and even if you did- then what? You’d use that knowledge to never use the machine under any circumstances? Meanwhile, anyone can come along and misuse the machine without knowing anything about it- or using knowledge which we don’t understand how they came by.
Research:
Diana you of all people should understand that knowledge for knowledge’s sake is the purest motivation of all. We should learn more about the Wish Engine because we can, and because it’s incredible and-
Restoration:
I know that, and I agree- but now is not the time. Perhaps at a later date, when things have calmed down and we have a better grasp of what’s happening we can come back to this. But for the time being I vote that we seal up the Hidden- the Negative-Perception Zone, and keep the existence of the Wish Engine a secret.
Retrieval:
Thank god.
Guide:
Yes…
Research:
Fine. I will go and get my things out of the Wish Engine’s chamber. Do try not to accidentally lock me in there in your haste to hide from your problems.
Footsteps away
​
Retrieval:
You did the right thing, Diana. I know you’re curious about that thing too, but we’ve got to think about the bigger picture.
Restoration:
The bigger picture…
Guide:
I agree. I know I’ll feel a lot safer with one less thing to worry about. At least in the short term. [Beat] Are you okay, Ma’am?
Restoration:
It feels like we’ve crossed some sort of threshold here. Doesn’t it? Up until now it’s felt as though things would eventually go back to normal; that we’d find the Curator and get the Museum back in order and we’d be able to go back to just… working in a museum. But now we’re wrapped up in something much bigger than that, than ourselves, and… I don’t know, I’m rambling. It just feels like things are going to be different now. The Glassways are open. Security is… whatever Security is, now.
Retrieval:
Can’t unring the bell.
Restoration:
Hm.
Retrieval:
No idea what Security wants, either. Whether all they wanted was to go “home”, or if there’s more to come. Gotta be ready for the answer to be something we don’t like.
Restoration:
We already assumed that the story they told us about what happened in Lockdown wasn’t quite right, but now…
Retrieval:
We don’t know a damn thing. Might be that the Head of Security was the good guy all along, and they killed him for it.
Restoration:
I don’t even want to think about that.
Retrieval:
We got played. Plain and simple.
Guide:
Uh. Would you like me to stop recording now, Ma’am? Sir?
Restoration:
Recording? Why on Earth have you been recording?
Guide:
Well… You asked me to. This was an official Interdepartmental Meeting, so-
Retrieval:
Ha. Yeah, sure, that’s what it was. Definitely not an absolute shitfight.
Restoration:
Right. Yes, you can stop recording Guide. Thank you for your help.
Guide:
My pleasure!
Retrieval:
C’mon, there’s a bottle in my office. You can come along too, Guide. Curious to see what you’re like after a few drinks.
Guide:
I- well, I can’t possibly- oh, you’re joking.
Retrieval:
You’ll get it eventually. You coming, Diana?
Restoration:
Yes. Yes, I think I need that.
Retrieval:
C’mon now, cheer up: it can’t get worse, can it?
Restoration:
Oh, shut the hell up.
Retrieval’s laughter fades with his footsteps.
The Beast’s Den
CONTENT WARNINGS: Death, Unpleasant sound effects, gunfire,
THE BEAST:
You alright there, my little friend? You seem a little out of sorts.
Guide:
Hmm? Oh, uhh, I’m alright. There’s just some things going on back at the Museum that I… can’t really get into. Just a lot on my mind, that’s all.
THE BEAST:
Oh I see, all’s not well at the Mistholme Museum, eh?
Guide:
Yes- I mean, no! Everything’s fine, there’s just a lot going on. Don’t worry, I’m fine.
THE BEAST:
Ah I didn’t mean anything by it. Must be difficult though, splitting your focus and such. You’re out here with us at the same time that you’re busy being the Museum, do my head in I reckon-
Eagle:
Can we cut the chatter? I don’t want us getting ambushed again.
THE BEAST:
Ahh, no chance of that in these parts. We’re in my turf- it’s the rare fool that dares venture into my turf.
Guide:
But the person we’re tracking- they did?
THE BEAST:
Eh?
Eagle:
You’re following the trail of someone for us, so they must have entered your “turf”. Right?
THE BEAST:
Ah yeah, your “Curator”. Yeah, must have.
A pause
Guide:
Is everything okay, Beast?
THE BEAST:
C’mon, we’re almost there.
The Beast moves away.
Eagle:
Almost where? What are you talking about?
Guide:
The Curator? Have we found them??
THE BEAST:
Come on, humans! This way!
Eagle:
Okay, let’s move out…
Guide:
The area that The Beast describes as being it’s quote “turf” unquote is deep within a dense jungle. There isn’t a rock or tree that isn’t covered in moss and lichen, and the air is thick with the earthy scents of life. The ground rises and declines, gently and sharply, tending slowly upward as we make our way up what feels like a sizeable hill. All around, the-
Eagle:
Why is it so quiet?
Guide:
What?
Eagle:
We’re in a jungle, there should be birds chirping, insects, that sort of thing. The hell is it so quiet?
Guide:
I… I don’t know. I hadn’t noticed it, but now that you mention-
THE BEAST:
Come on! It’s just down here, you’re nearly there.
Eagle:
Alright, everyone keep your eyes open, I don’t know what’s going on but we’re not getting surprised again. Hawk, hold up the rear, everyone else-
The Guide goes into narration mode
Guide:
As Team Raptor crested the rise a deep hollow in the ground appeared before them. A crack in the Earth, though they were not on Earth, it sloped downward about fifteen metres, the roots of the trees around the edge spiraling down the sides as though they were snakes tightening their grip upon helpless prey. And all of it seemed to point towards a single point at the deepest part of the hollow: a cave so absent of light that it looked for all the world like a hole in the fabric of the world itself. The entrance was twice as tall as any member of Team Raptor and nearly as wide as it was tall, and none of the plant life that so overwhelmed the rest of the jungle dared come close. No grass or moss grew near the entrance. Not even the roots of the trees dared enter that place. Not even the light of the sun. And, as The Audio Tour Guide and Team Raptor watched, The Beast clambered down the side of the pit and sat by the entrance to the cave, watching them expectantly.
Eagle:
Yeah. Great. Foreboding. What is this place, Beast?
THE BEAST:
Heh. Quite something isn’t it? My friends, I would like to welcome you to my Den.
Eagle:
Its what? What the hell is this?
Guide:
Beast? Beast, can you-
THE BEAST:
Come on in, it’s been a while since I’ve been here so it’s probably a bit messy but you can make yourselves at home.
Guide:
I don’t know what’s going on. I can tell the Head of Retrieval that something’s up?
Eagle:
This thing better not have been leading us on a wild goose chase this whole time. God damn it.
Guide:
Okay. It, uhh. It might be feeling a little… I don’t know, homesick? It told me about a friend it used to have, maybe it just wants to visit a place they spent time together? Let’s just go down there and see what it has to say.
Eagle:
This thing had a friend? Wonders never cease. Well I’m still not going into some goddamn cave with this thing. [Scrambling sounds as the Team climb down into the pit.] What the hell. Beast? Beast, can you come out? [The Beast approaches]
THE BEAST:
Why are you all just hanging around out here? I invited you into my Den.
Eagle:
Beast, why have you brought us here? You didn’t say anything about taking us to your Den. You were supposed to be following the Curator’s trail. Did that lead you here?
THE BEAST:
Ahh, don’t worry about that for now- let’s just kick up our feet for a while, tell some more stories- have a bite to eat, maybe.
Eagle:
No. No, you’re leading us to the Curator. The agreement was, the Guide tells you stories, you follow the Curator’s trail. Now we’ve held up our end, so-
THE BEAST:
Bored with that, now. Wanna rest my feet a while, we’ve been walking for ages! Come inside, I’ll show you around.
Guide:
Why don’t we humour it for now? It would be rude for us to say no…
Eagle:
I’m not going in some cave with a monster for the sake of politeness. Here- [fumbling] you can go in there, see if you can talk to it. We’ll stay here and make sure the area is secure.
Guide:
Okay. That sounds like a good idea. Beast?
THE BEAST:
Yes my little friend?
Guide:
Why don’t you show me around your home while the others take a look around outside? Make sure there’s no signs of any more of those monsters from the other day?
THE BEAST:
Already told you, not even those things are dumb enough to come here. But… sure, why not. Feels right that you’d be the first to get a tour, ha!
Eagle:
Right. Here you go. We’ll check things out around here.
Guide:
And I’ll see what the Den is like. Um. Stay safe out there!
Eagle:
Heh. You too.
THE BEAST:
Yes, yes, very touching. Come on in, my home is your home.
Guide:
Oh. It’s really dark in here! Can you see ok?
THE BEAST:
Ah yeah, I see in the dark just fine, better even. How about you?
Guide:
Well, technically I don’t really see, it’s… confusing. Don’t worry about that.
THE BEAST:
Hm. Okay. Just a little further down, now and… Here we are! Welcome to my Den.
Guide:
Oh. I- w-w-w-wow, it’s really… cozy in h-h-here, you’re reallllllllly-
The Guide goes into Narration mode
The Beast’s Den was not quote “cozy” unquote. It was a dank, horrid hole in the earth that twisted and wound its way down and down, an extension of the lifeless pit that surrounded its entrance. Foul water dripped down the walls and flowed along the ground under the Beast’s feet, and the Guide was suddenly quite grateful that it could not smell. The narrow tunnel eventually widened into a larger cavern, and it was there that the true horrors lay. Because the putrid conditions and the horrible stench and cramped confines were all mere momentary concerns. One could simply leave the cave and they would be gone, a fading memory that could be washed away with soap and water. The piles and piles of corpses that were piled up in the main chamber would not so soon be forgotten. There were dozens of them in every possible level of completeness and decomposition: some half eaten, some completely skeletonized. The Guide recognised few of the forms; thankfully, none appeared to be Human. But the way they were piled in the centre of the room was the most disquieting part. It spoke to The Beast’s intentions, the way it thought about these poor corpses: this was not just a well-stocked larder. It was a statement of the Beast’s ferocity, its capability as a hunter of creatures of all forms. It was as though the Beast wanted to be able to remember each and every one of its kills as much as the last, to reminisce over their final moments, to savour the taste of their flesh. It was also, in part, a warning to intruders that this was The Beast’s territory, and that one should not intrude unless they sought a similar fate. But it was hidden down here, useless for that purpose. Because The Beast wanted the sight of it to signal not that the viewer should leave before it is too late, but rather that it was already far far too late for them.
Ahem. I’m sorry, that was really quite inappropriate. I made a lot of, uh, assumptions there about your intentions, and I spoke out of turn, and if you’re offended I-
THE BEAST:
Offended? Nah, why’d I be offended by that? You nailed it in one. You really understand me, you know that little one? You can see right to the heart of me; haven’t really felt that since… Yeah. You get it.
Guide:
Well, I’m glad you’re not offended. And now that you’ve shown me around, I-
THE BEAST:
Oh look, here’s another Jackalope for your friend, let’s invite him down to see it- ahh, but he doesn’t much like them dead, does he? Awful sentimental of him that.
Guide:
Yes. He- I don’t think he’d like to see that. Why don’t we head back up and see how they’re doing?
THE BEAST:
But we’ve only just arrived! Surely you wanna hear the story about some of these kills- I know you like stories. You see that one over there, with the tail like a snake? That was very tough to take down, hell of a story…
Guide:
No, I don’t think I’d like- I mean, I think that maybe the rest of the team would like to hear it too, maybe we should head back up. We can come back later when we’ve found the Curator!
THE BEAST:
Curator… Pah. Won’t be happening any time soon. Better just forget all about ‘em if you ask me. Holding onto the hope’ll only make it hurt more.
Guide:
Beast, I- I think maybe Eagle will be getting worried, maybe we should-
THE BEAST:
Eagle! Ha. Funny name. Not-name. I been told about eagles before, rather like to see what they taste like. We don’t have those around here, though. Have to make do with a substitute. Course, that’s not his name at all, is it?
Guide:
No. It’s for safety, you understand.
THE BEAST:
Oh yeah, I get it. Absolutely get it. A name is a powerful thing. S’why I never told you mine- why most folks here are never going to. A lot of them take up false names to keep their true ones a secret, even though there aren’t really that many folks who can actually use Names against you. But you wanna be let in on a little secret, “Guide”? That doesn’t always work out so well. Names aren’t just names, of course. Sometimes they’re more, they’re like windows to your true self or something fancy like that. They reflect something about you. Sometimes, very rarely, they can change, shift to reflect a shift in your perception of yourself. You think of yourself as a mother, then your kids get eaten by a beastie- maybe your perception shifts. You think of yourself as an Eagle, maybe that becomes the real you- wouldn’t that be something?
Guide:
I guess. But Eagle isn’t his true name. So what’s your point?
THE BEAST:
My point? Ha. We are getting there, aren’t we? The point of all this. My point, my little friend, is what if you think of yourself as nothing, not important enough to be the main character of a story, just the one who tells the stories? And then that changes? You get more confident, you start becoming important, you do something crazy like- I dunno- turning yourself into a whole Museum? Wouldn’t that be something that could change someone?
Guide:
What are you-
THE BEAST:
Silence, Mistholme! Yeah. That’s done it. You didn’t even know it was happening, it happened so slowly. Heh, I didn’t know if it would work, and I know a fair bit about this stuff. Your Name. You’re not an Audio Tour Guide, whatever that is. You’re the whole museum now. Mistholme. That’s you. That’s who you are.
I’ve done it. I did doubt myself, I will admit Mistholme. Just been a Beast all my life. Only one person ever telling me I could be more. I hate myself for it but I didn’t believe her until now. ‘Til I figured it out. Outsmarted ya. All of you. More than just a Beast, that’s me. Huh. Maybe I did believe it, deep down. S’why Beast isn’t my real name? Wonder what it is? Ah well. I am sorry, for what it’s worth. I feel bad about tricking you, what’s got to happen to your friends. Really. I hope you can forgive me in the end, though. I had to be loyal, you know?
I bet you’re wondering “why”, eh? “Why do this, why lead us all this way, why make nice and go so far out of my way if it was all going to end like this? Why not just attack and eat us back in the woods all those days ago.” It’s a good question, but there’s an easy answer. You never would have figured it out, though. Cos you underestimated me. Cos you look at me, you just see a beast. A dumb animal, just wants to eat. And I’ll admit I played into that a little bit, but it’s what you wanted to see from the start. You were never going to really consider that there might be something else going on because how could a beast have a plan? Some greater purpose?
Because my friend gave me one. All those long years ago when she found me, she knew I could be more than a beast. And even though she had a greater purpose than she could ever achieve here, I always knew she’d come back. And she did, few months ago. Looked different, I’ll admit. But I’d never mistake that voice for anyone else's’. Delicious to hear. Like nothing else I ever heard. I was watching those humans of yours, what came through the passage from your world. They were milling around, seemed confused. Easy pickings, easy meal I thought. But then, just as I was about to tuck in- there she was. My friend. And she told me she had a greater plan in mind. And kindly asked me not to eat those people. I’d do anything for my friend so I said yes. But she says there’s a consolation: there’ll be some more folks coming through looking for someone sometime soon. And she was gonna make these people think the person they were looking for had come through here. So if I was so inclined, I could have those people for my meal instead. And then she went over and did her magic on the people so they all thought that this other person- your Curator, I expect- had been here, and then left. At some point all the other people vanished too. But I waited, because my friend had told me that some more people were coming through soon. And I was hungry.
But then the search party came through and I saw one of them talking to thin air. And the air talked back. And I got curious. So I watched for a while, trying to figure out what was up. Eagle noticed me pretty quick he’s sharp- not sharp enough, of course. So I joined you, spun a lie that the Curator came this way. I figure I could only help my friend by keeping up the impression that you were on the right track. But as time went on I figured you out. You gave too much away, didn’t think that Names applied to you too. And I came up with a plan of my own, one that would make my friend proud.
So. Mistholme. I’m going to have a meal now. And when I give permission, you’re gonna tell your friends back at the museum that something horrible’s happened. Your team’s probably dead. I’m dead. You don’t know what’s happened. It’s a lost cause, this place. You’d best just give up on finding your Curator and my friend. Course, you’ll still be here with me. Maybe someday you’ll get to meet my friend and you’ll be friends too! Wouldn’t that be nice! You’ll understand why I had to do all this, then. Maybe even before then! We’ll have plenty of time together, after all…
Now before I give you permission to speak again, there’ll be a couple of rules. I got total control over you now I know your Name, so any instructions I give you literally can’t go against.Thought these through very carefully, I have. Firstly: you may not tell any human, or anyone in your museum, what has happened here, what happened to the team, that I’ve got you under my thumb. If anyone asks about me, tell them I was a stalwart ally and a brave friend. Also, you will try to steer conversations away from my friend whenever you can. She’s private, you see. I imagine you probably know who I’m talking about- you have my permission to reply in a single word: have you encountered my friend before?
Guide:
Yes.
THE BEAST:
How do you refer to her, by the way? One sentence.
Guide:
We call your friend “The Man With A Voice Like Honey and Chocolate and Coffee All At Once”
THE BEAST:
Wow, that’s a mouthful. Fitting, though. A man, eh? Always full of surprises.
Eagle:
From a distance, echoing
Guide? Beast? Is everything okay down there?
THE BEAST:
Ah, the main course has finally arrived. Don’t worry, Mistholme- I’ll make it pretty quick, they weren’t the worst company. One more thing, though: I do apologise, for the deception. You’re only the second person who ever showed me kindness. I do appreciate that. Maybe we could still be friends. I’m only doing all this cos’ I’m helping my friend, you know. It’s loyalty. Nothing more important than that, even if it means doing the wrong thing sometimes. Maybe things could have been different. I hope you’ll get to seeing things from my perspective in the end.
Eagle:
Christ, it stinks down here. Guide? Guide, is everything okay?
THE BEAST:
Cos you’ll have plenty of time to come around. This is your new home, Mistholme. Just you and me, and all the stories you have to tell me. It’s gonna be lovely, you’ll see. Oh- and you have my permission to speak, now.
Eagle:
Guide? Beast, is that- oh holy-
THE BEAST:
RAAAAARRGHHHHHHHH
The Beast’s roaring mingles with Eagle’s screams, gunfire, and the awful squelching noises of his death. Slowly, it fades away, leaving the Guide- Mistholme- alone in the darkness.