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Hello and welcome to the Mistholme Museum of Mystery, Morbidity and Mortality. This audio tour guide will be your constant companion in your journey through the unknown and surreal.
As you approach our exhibits, the audio tour guide will provide you with information and insights into their nature and history.
Do not attempt to interact or communicate with the exhibits.
Do not attempt to interact or communicate with the audio tour guide. If you believe that the audio tour guide may be deviating from the intended tour program, please consider adjusting your preconceived notions of what the intended tour program may be!
While the staff here at Mistholme Museum of Mystery Morbidity and Mortality do their absolute best to ensure the safety of all visitors, accidents can happen. The museum is not liable for any injury, death, or running jokes with diminishing returns that may occur during your visit.
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Enjoy your tour.
And good luck.
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Breach
Guide:
Sir?
Retrieval:
Yeah?
Guide:
All Patrons are squared away. The Head of Restoration is on her way to you now. All elevators locked down, all lockable doors are locked. We’re as ready as we’ll ever be for whatever comes next.
Retrieval:
Good. Just in time, too.
Guide:
…How do you mean?
Retrieval:
Something’s about to happen.
Guide:
…I’m not detecting any movement on the monitoring station. No change at all.
Retrieval:
Yeah I’ve got a monitor hooked up to the monitoring station here, I know. Something’s coming, though. It’s not a physical thing. It’s a gut thing. Hard-earned experience in matters of being royally buggered.
Guide:
Right. Well. I’ll defer to your expertise on that matter.
Retrieval:
Hm.
Guide:
You know, sir, just in case this doesn’t go right… I mean, in case we don’t make it out of here, you know?
Retrieval:
C’mon Guide, no talking like that.
Guide:
No, I mean, trust me- I’m hoping!. But, really I want to…
Retrieval:
What?
Guide:
Well, I just hoped we could patch things up before the end, you know? Leave things off on a better note?
Retrieval:
What are you talking about?
Guide:
Us. You know, our fight, or whatever you want to call it. You’ve been avoiding me, or the conversation, and I’ve respected that, but if we don’t get another chance to-
Retrieval:
Guide, what are you talking about?
Guide:
…What are you talking about?
Retrieval:
No, that’s my line. What fight, what- I’ve been avoiding you?
Guide:
The… the time I yelled at you? Got all heated, right after the thing with Walt.
Retrieval:
…Right, you were upset. It was a tough moment. You… have you been mad at me for that all this time?
Guide:
What? No! Not at all, I thought… wait you haven’t been mad at me?
Retrieval:
No! Why would I be, it was fine. These things happen, I- wait, I was the arsehole there, why would I be mad at you?
Guide:
Because… because I yelled? So, this hasn’t been a thing? Seriously?
Retrieval:
Seriously. We’re fine.
Guide:
But… But we said, quote, “talk later”, unquote! And then, we didn’t! I mean, I admit I was avoiding the conversation a bit, I knew it would be difficult, but then I saw you and you acted like nothing had happened!
Retrieval:
Yeah, it was fine.
Guide:
But we said, quote, “talk later”, unquote
Retrieval:
Talk later unquote yeah, but that doesn’t mean, you know, we talk about that later. It just means… talk later.
Guide:
What.
Retrieval:
Look, I’m sorry that you’ve felt this way the whole time, and- yeah, if you want to go there, I’m sorry for the way I spoke when Walt died. I was insensitive, I didn’t realise how affected you were by all that. But I figured, you know, we’d moved on.
Guide:
Why would we say, quote, “talk later”, unquote, if we were just… not going to talk about it?
Retrieval:
Well, talk later just means, I’ll talk to you later. Doesn’t mean, “definitely let’s continue this later”.
Guide:
…I honestly can’t tell which of us is the one who’s bad at communicating here.
Retrieval:
Well, nobody's good at communicating, Guide. If they were we wouldn’t be in this mess, or a hundred other messes.
Guide:
Yeah, great. So, were you thinking we’d just go on not addressing what happened?
Retrieval:
I didn’t know there was something to address! Again, I am sorry, for the Walt business and now this too I guess.
Guide:
Right. Okay. Well, I guess I’m sorry for being weird about it for the last few months then.
Retrieval
It’s fine, I didn’t notice.
Guide:
Yeah, that’s reassuring.
Retrieval:
Yeah, talk later.
Guide:
Shut up.
Restoration:
…Is everything okay here?
Retrieval:
Oh yeah, everything’s great.
Restoration:
So, was it a false alarm?
Retrieval:
Oh no, we’re definitely all going to die. Reckon I’ll have a smile on my face though.
Guide:
I hate you.
Restoration:
Okay, I won’t ask. Have we heard from the Head of Research?
Guide:
I’ve been in touch. We agreed that she’s probably in the safest spot in the whole Museum right now so she’s staying put. She says to let her know if we have any wishes we’d like to pass on.
Retrieval:
Guess we’re done pretending that’s not a thing, now.
Restoration:
We do have more pressing concerns, after all. Although, errant wishes are probably a good way to make things worse, so hold off on that.
Guide:
Of course.
Restoration:
So, what happens now?
Guide:
Now we wait, I guess. See if anything-
Retrieval:
It’s happening.
Restoration:
What is?
Guide:
I’m still not seeing anything through the monitoring station, how do you-
Restoration:
What?
Guide:
I just lost the monitoring station. The feed is just… gone.
Retrieval:
My gut never lies. You lot, square everything away and get your guns trained on the Glassway.
Agent:
Yes sir.
Restoration:
There’s a cover over the Glassway, isn’t there?
Retrieval:
Yep, few inches of pure titanium. Guess we’ll see how that fares against Fairy Bullshit, won’t we?
Guide:
Signal reacquisition failed. The station is just… gone.
Retrieval:
Di- Ms Head of Restoration, I don’t wanna condescend or anything, but could you head for another Shelter now?
Restoration:
I’m staying here. We’re all in this together, and if there’s a chance we can avoid conflict here I’d rather not leave that to you.
Guide:
I’m here too, you know.
Restoration:
“You” can refer to more than one person.
Retrieval:
Yeah, cos you’re the master of tactful negotiation.
Restoration:
I’m just playing the odds here.
Retrieval:
Right. Well, if you’re going to stick around, I’ll need you to do as I say, when I say it. And if I say “get out of here” again-
Restoration:
You’ll really mean it. I know.
Retrieval:
Good. Alright. Let’s get this shitshow on the road.
Guide:
We haven’t had any contact, it could still be a while before anything happens.
Retrieval:
Nah. They’re done wasting time.
Agent:
Sir, temperature on the Glassway cover is increasing rapidly.
Retrieval:
Right on cue.
Restoration:
How did you-
Guide:
His quote gut unquote. It’s a little spooky.
Retrieval:
“Spooky”. Yeah, welcome to the Mistholme Museum, mate.
Guide:
The assembled staff of the Mistholme Museum could only watch as the centre of the titanium shield covering the Glassway in Shelter 601 began to glow red, then white. Steadily, with a sense of inevitability perhaps appropriate to the situation, the glow spread out from that central point: a perfect circle of whiteness that soon grew to encompass the entirety of the cover. The wall of the Shelter’s bathroom, where the mirror that had become a Glassway still sat, began to blacken with the heat that radiated out from the metal, as if as a counterpoint to the glowing white. The Retrieval Agents, more than a dozen crammed into the tight space of the Shelter, flinched away from the blistering heat, but their rifles did not sway an inch from the glowing target that they had been given. At the entrance to the Shelter stood the Heads of Retrieval and Restoration, grimly watching on as the centre of the Glassway cover bubbled and melted, molten metal dripping to the floor and hissing and popping and igniting the air around it.
Restoration:
You said that was Titanium, yes?
Retrieval:
Yep.
Restoration:
That has a melting point of around 1660 degrees celsius.
Retrieval:
…Really good to know, ta.
Guide:
The titanium continued to glow, to melt, to fall away from that central point until it was nothing but a puddle on the floor of the Shelter, its glow rapidly fading as the heat faded away into the air. Sweat beaded on the brows of the Agents as they stared into their hazy reflections in the uncovered mirror, and it was not just from the heat that they sweated and it was not just from the heat that their reflections in the mirror were hazy. The Glassway to the Fae Realm stood before them, open and unimpeded, and they were all that stood between it and the Museum and the world beyond.
Then a figure stepped lightly out of the Glassway, feet slapping down into the still-liquid metal on the floor. But the owner of said feet did not react at all to the heat. He just smiled broadly at his welcoming committee, as if they were old friends returned from the longest of voyages.
Stranger:
Well now. This isn’t quite how I expected things to look here.
Retrieval:
Hold fire.
Guide:
Oh not this guy.
Retrieval:
Guide, quiet until I say otherwise.
Stranger:
Hello! Is “Guide” around, by any chance?
Retrieval:
I’m the Head of Retrieval for the Mistholme Museum. For all intents and purposes I’m in charge of security here. You can talk to me.
Stranger:
Oh, well I do love to make new friends. Lovely to meet you, Thehead. I- Oh, the metal lady is here, too! Lovely to see you again, miss.
Retrieval:
She says… something rude, don’t worry about it.
Stranger:
Very well. I am here with a singular purpose, and chatting to the local yokels is not it. You may call me Stranger. Guide may have mentioned me, only lovely things I’m certain. When last we met, it departed in possession of an item of great import. While I attempted to retrieve said item, I was unsuccessful. However-
Retrieval:
The bell.
Stranger:
…Yes. However, I was commanded not to pursue Guide back here, to this… “museum”, but rather to wait for such a time as the bell was rung. That moment has now come, and so-
Retrieval:
Why did you have to wait?
Stranger:
Excuse me?
Retrieval:
If you were going to come here when it was rung anyway, why didn’t you just come here and ring it? What’s the holdup?
Stranger:
I… such knowledge is not for you. [Beat] Or I. However, if I was to make an educated guess, I believe it may be because The Majesty feared that their presence might dissuade the individual whom the Bell would summon from appearing. Thus-
Retrieval:
The Man with the Voice.
Stranger:
What?
Retrieval:
Or, the Queen’s kid. Right?
Stranger:
You ask a lot of questions.
Retrieval:
Yeah, it seemed like it was getting on your nerves so I kept doing it.
Stranger:
Ah.
Retrieval:
Plus, I figure the more you say the more we know. Whole situation’s been a lot to keep a handle on, personally.
Stranger:
Right. Well, if you’ll just let me pass, I’ll retrieve the… “Man with a voice” as I believe you referred to the heir, and this will all be over.
Retrieval
Yeah see, there’s a problem with that.
Stranger:
Is there now.
Retrieval:
Yeah. We don’t have him.
Stranger:
What do you mean?
Retrieval:
Bell got rung, yeah. But that’s the extent of it. Nobody… materialised, or whatever.
Stranger:
You claim that the heir did not respond to the summons?
Retrieval:
Sure.
Stranger:
That… Cannot be the case.
Retrieval:
Afraid so.
Stranger:
You misunderstand. It. Cannot. Be the case. The Queen of the Summer Sun has commanded that I retrieve their heir from this “museum”, and I shall do so.
Retrieval:
Mother, make sure the Head of Restoration makes her way to the Staff-Only area ASAP.
Guide:
Uh, she’s requesting that someone else go, I think she’s keen for a rematch-
Retrieval:
I know what she’s saying. I gave her an order.
Restoration:
What’s going on?
Retrieval:
Nothing good.
Restoration:
Are you sure I can’t help-
Retrieval:
I wish you could, really. Now move it.
Stranger:
Who are you talking to, there? Where is the metal woman going?
Retrieval:
Never you mind. The rest of you. Fall back to your assigned Shelters. Get the people in there to cross through the Glassways.
Stranger:
What are you doing?
Retrieval:
My job.
Stranger:
I had thought that your role here was to protect this place, and yet you tell your warriors to retreat?
Retrieval:
Protecting the furniture’s secondary to protecting the people. All of you, out. Now. Get our patrons through the Glassways.
Retrieval Agent 1:
Sir, what about you?
Retrieval:
I’ll be fine.
Retrieval Agent 2:
How do you know this creep won’t follow us through the Glassways?
Retrieval:
I don’t. Now get out of here.
Stranger:
And what about you? Are you committing to the path of pain?
Retrieval:
That’s your call, mate. We don’t have the person you’re looking for. We’ve got some artefacts that’ll prove I’m not lying if that’ll help-
Stranger:
It will not.
Retrieval:
Didn’t think so. And when you don’t find the Man?
Stranger:
The fact that the majesty told me he is here means that he is here.
Retrieval:
Wow, that’s a neat trick.
Stranger:
Yes. I am without recourse, you see. I have been commanded, without ambiguity, to retrieve the heir from this place, and so even if I have to tear it and everyone in it apart to find him… find him I shall. I am bound.
Retrieval:
And when you don’t find him?
Stranger:
I have been commanded, and so I shall obey. I will find him.
Retrieval:
Right.
Stranger:
This will be far less painful if you simply let me pass. Allow me to retrieve the heir, and-
Retrieval:
Yeah, see, I’m sort of “bound”, too. Except instead of finding people who aren’t here, my job is to protect this place and the people in it from whackos like yourself.
Stranger:
Hm. The debts we owe, the prices we pay, yes? I am bound to pass, and you, likewise, to stop me. Perhaps we are not so different-
Retrieval:
Absolutely fucking not..
[With a roar, he leaps into action. Stranger laughs, and the following melee is brief but furious.]
Retrieval:
Come on. Come on! Gimme the bloody bracelet.
[Finally, the Head of Retrieval lets out a scream of pain.]
Retrieval:
God damn it…
Stranger:
You knew about the bracelet, then. And still you tried.
Retrieval:
[Coughing.] Gotta respect that, hey?
Stranger:
Mm. Stupid, but I suppose you were duty-bound.
Retrieval:
Yeah. Guide?
Guide:
Yes sir?
Retrieval:
Seal the door to the Shelter.
[The door slams shut]
Guide:
Done. Sir, are you…?
Retrieval:
I’m fine.
Stranger:
I wager I’ll be through that door even faster than the first one. You’re just delaying the inevitable.
Retrieval:
Yeah, well… duty-bound, eh?
Stranger:
Indeed. Don’t take the blade out. It’s staunching the bleeding- although, if you’d rather see things over and done with more quickly…
Retrieval:
Yeah, reckon I’ll leave it in. Take my chances.
Stranger:
That doesn’t seem to have worked out for you so far, but very well. I might just…
[Retrieval lets out a moan of pain as Stranger pulls him along the floor.]
Retrieval:
The hell are you…
Stranger:
Just moving you out of the way. Hate for you to get stepped on and miss out on seeing the consequences of your failure. [He whistles, a strange, ethereal sound]
Retrieval:
What are you… ah.
[Footsteps. Heavy, and many of them.]
Stranger:
You didn’t think I’d come here all by myself now, did you? Assuming I’ll have lots of ground to cover. Goodbye, Thehead.
Retrieval:
[Whispering] Guide?
Guide:
Yes sir?
Retrieval:
He’s… I dunno, he’s chanting something under his breath. The door… out of the Shelter’s starting to heat up.
Guide:
Sir, I can see, save your energy.
Retrieval:
I don’t think your cameras will be around for long, Guide. It looks like he’s holding a… a twig? He’s holding a twig up to the door and it’s melting the-
Stranger:
‘Tis a sprig of mistletoe, made arrogant by the Gods.
Retrieval:
Yeah righto, it’s some fairy bullshit. There’s… more of them… coming through the Glassway now. They’ve got… bows and arrows, most of them. If any of them are half as irritating as this… Stranger… you’re gonna have your hands full. But you’ll manage it. I dunno how, but I’m sure you’ll find a way.
Guide:
Sir, I… we can send someone. To help you, I mean, tend your-
Retrieval:
I’m sitting in front of their Beachhead, Guide. Don’t you dare put anyone in harm’s way for me.
Guide:
…I won’t. And I won’t get all mushy or anything, I’m sure you’d hate that too.
Retrieval:
Especially when I told you to get Di- the Head of Restoration to safety. Keep your head in the-
Guide:
Yeah yeah, she’s in the Staff-Only area. I can multitask, you know.
Retrieval:
Ha. Good work, little guy. Or… whatever. I’ll keep an eye on things here for ya. You get to work sorting this mess out.
Guide:
Yes sir. I’ll do my best.
Retrieval:
And Guide? Stay safe out there.
Restoration:
Guide? Is he…
Guide:
He’s alive.
Restoration:
I see. I won’t pry further, for now. Ah, the Clockwork Mother is doing a sweep of the Staff-Only Area, making sure we’re… sealed in here tightly. And the… fairies?
Guide:
They’re in the Museum. I’ve sealed all shelters, all entryways. The… enemy will be slowed down, but considering their objective is to tear apart the whole place looking for someone who isn’t here, I don’t even know if that was a good idea.
Restoration:
Well, when all you have is bad ideas everything looks like a solution. Or something.
Guide:
Yeah. Well, time to get to work on finding a bad solution.
Restoration:
What are you thinking?
Guide:
Well, the rest of the staff are through the Glassways by now. I suppose it’s just you, me, the Clockwork Mother, and the Head of Research against… The full might of the Queen of the Summer Sun.
Restoration:
Yes. I do rather wish we’d been able to fully recover from the last attack on the Museum before this one, I must say.
Guide:
Yes, if the world could give us a break that would… Ah. Ahaha. Okay, actually, no, this will be fun.
Restoration:
What? What is it? Have you picked a remarkably poor time to turn on humanity?
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Guide:
What? No, oh, sorry. Uh, that was- I didn’t mean that. I just… you know, sometimes you get a really good idea and it just kind of… you get carried away?
Restoration:
…Yes?
Guide:
Well I just had a really good idea.
Restoration:
What’s that?
Guide:
Can you get in touch with the Head of Research for me? I’d do it myself, but I think I should keep my full processing power for the task at hand.
Restoration:
Sure… Uh, what task is that?
Guide:
It’s time to bring things full circle.
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Retaliation:
Stranger:
Alright, as the Majesty commands, so shall it be. You all have your orders. Spread out, scour every inch of this “Museum” until the heir to the throne has been located. You are the will, the sword of justice wielded by the Queen of the Summer Sun. You shall not fail in this endeavour. Aye?
Fae Warriors:
Aye.
Stranger:
You are older, stronger, more tenacious than any other, and the one who commands you is older still. The hands that wield your blades, the fingers that draw your bowstrings, they belong to the Queen of the Summer Sun. Aye?
Fae Warriors:
Aye!
Stranger:
We know not what lies within, but know this: there is no fate you may suffer here that can compare to the one that shall reward your failure.
Fae Warriors:
AYE!
Guide:
I wouldn’t be so sure of that.
Stranger:
Guide? From where does your voice come? I don’t see the metal woman…
Guide:
Oh she’s around. But it’s not her you and your warriors should fear. It’s me.
Stranger:
You were not so difficult to overcome in our first meeting.
Guide:
Yes, but in our last you retreated with your tail between your legs like the obedient little dog you are.
Stranger:
So it’s best of three then, is it?
Guide:
Something like that. Of course, the odds aren’t exactly in your favour here, are they?
Stranger:
Well, I’m not entirely sure how to count someone with no body to speak of, but I daresay you’re outnumbered here.
Guide:
It’s not just a numbers game, though, is it? And you’re wrong about me not having a body, too.
Stranger:
Is that so?
Guide:
“Aye”. You’re inside it. I am the Mistholme Museum of Mystery, Morbidity, and Mortality, Stranger. I see and hear you with my cameras, you hear me through the speakers. You will know me by my actions. And allow me to offer you the warmest of welcomes.
Fae Warrior 1:
Sir!
Stranger:
I see it, scatter! Dig your claws into this place and do not allow yourselves to be dislodged!
[The bizarre, horrible bellowing of some Alternatural Creature echoes off the walls of the Museum as the Fairies flee.]
Guide:
That’s right, run. Run you bastards! All throughout the Mistholme Museum of Mystery, Morbidity, and Mortality, doors swung open, letting loose all manner of exhibits. For the second time in the Museum’s history, the halls belonged to them: the bizarre, the impossible, the deadly. But this time, it was done with purpose. This time, it was done in the name of the Museum itself, to repel these unwanted intruders, to sow chaos in their ranks, to buy time for the Museum’s staff and for the Museum itself to find a more permanent solution to this latest of crises. But, as the Audio Tour Guide watched the previously smug Stranger and his army of Fae Warriors flee before the might and fury of the Museum’s resident Manticore, it couldn’t help but enjoy the moment as well, just a little.