Episode Sixty-One: EVIL
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As you approach our exhibits, the audio tour guide will provide you with information and insights into their nature and history.
Do not attempt to interact or communicate with the exhibits.
Do not attempt to interact or communicate with the audio tour guide. If you believe that the audio tour guide may be deviating from the intended tour program, please consider adjusting your preconceived notions of what the intended tour program may be!
While the staff here at Mistholme Museum of Mystery Morbidity and Mortality do their absolute best to ensure the safety of all visitors, accidents can happen. The museum is not liable for any injury, death, or that thing where you try to step out of someone's way and they step in the same direction that may occur during your visit.
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Enjoy your tour.
And good luck.
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Uncaged
Guide:
Hello, Beast.
THE BEAST:
Guide! Been a… well, it feels like it’s been a little while. Can’t really tell, no sun, and I’ve been sleeping a lot lately- guess I’m on the mend.
Guide:
Yeah, you seem to have a lot more energy than last time we spoke. Sorry that I haven’t been around much, it’s… Yeah.
THE BEAST:
That’s okay. Sure you’re busy doing tours and stuff.
Guide:
Yeah… Anyway, you’re doing alright? Not too bored, or anything?
THE BEAST:
Ah, not really. It’s all new for me here, you know? Look at just about anything here and it’s the first time I’ve seen it!
Guide:
Yes, I suppose the Restoration Department is pretty different to a forest.
THE BEAST:
Yeah. Nicer than the room they kept me in, too. All stone and cold and cramped. Like this better. Sky is much higher.
Guide:
We call it a ceiling when it’s indoors.
THE BEAST:
Okay. Lots to learn, I guess.
Guide:
Yeah. Right. So… You’re thinking that you’ll stick around?
THE BEAST:
Hm?
Guide:
Well last time we talked, we were talking a bit about… What happens next for you? Have you put more thought into that?
THE BEAST:
Well… I don’t really know what’ll happen. I’ve mostly never thought about that sort of thing before, see. More of a day by day, me.
Guide:
Sure. That makes sense, you’ve just been living by yourself for such a long time, hunting and… so on. The last few months have been a big change- not the torture, I mean, before that. Meeting me, and the others.
THE BEAST:
Yeah. Except… There’s always been my friend, you know. First, it was just doing what I wanted with my friend, when we were pups. Then, time went on and my friend spent more time with her family, it was about waiting for her to come back. Then waiting for her to come back after she stopped coming back. Now I think about it, kind of the only time I ever really cared to think about the future’s been waiting for my friend.
Guide:
…How do you feel? About your friend, that is.
THE BEAST:
Angry. Sad. Confused. Hurt. I- huh. I didn’t mean to say all that.
Guide:
Sorry.
THE BEAST:
Why you apologising for?
Guide:
Ah… Nothing. Sorry, I apologise too much sometimes.
THE BEAST:
Yeah. Well. It’s complicated, you know. Don’t wanna talk about it.
Guide:
Yeah. Well, let’s talk about more practical things, then. You’re doing well, but you’ve still got a lot of mending to get through. No rush, like I said. But once that’s all done with… You’ll need to live somewhere. And, at the museum, there’s a place called The Stables. It’s where we… house Alternatural creatures. I’m not sure it’s the best fit, but you could have an enclosure all to yourself, and it would be tailored to your preferences-
THE BEAST:
Cage?
Guide:
N-no, it would be a custom environment dedicated toward… Okay, I can understand why you might not be keen to… have your movement restricted right now.
THE BEAST:
It’s not that I don’t trust you, Guide. Just… Been in a cage for a long while now, back in the Keep. Even right now, only reason I’m not tearing the bars apart is cos I know I can trust you, Guide.
Guide:
Ha. Well, that and because we’re pretty far from done with treating your injuries. The bars are pretty tough, in your state I don’t think you could-
THE BEAST:
I could. Not even hard.
Guide:
Oh.
THE BEAST:
Sorry. Dunno why I said that.
Guide:
No… no, that’s fine. Thank you for… trusting me.
THE BEAST:
Yeah. Enough about me. What’s next for you, eh?
Guide:
Me? Nothing. I mean, I’ll just keep on being a Guide, you know?
THE BEAST:
Yeah, but what else? What’s next?
Guide:
…Why does there have to be anything else?
THE BEAST:
Well, cos you want more. I know you pretty well now, Guide. You can be spread out as far as you like, doing a whole bunch of things at once in different places. You just gonna stick to the Museum now?
Guide:
Well… I mean, there’s still expeditions happening. Through Glassways. They’re mostly just exploratory at this point, information gathering, maybe stuff for exhibits. We haven’t given up on figuring out what happened to the Curator, but… well, other stuff’s taken the focus I guess.
THE BEAST:
Hm. Okay.
Guide:
What?
THE BEAST:
I dunno. Just… you were all excited to see new things, learn about stuff, when we met. Innocent, I guess. Just… hope that you haven’t lost that because of me.
Guide:
Beast, that’s…
THE BEAST:
I was one of your first friends you ever had, and I stabbed you in the back. I know how that feels, is all. Hurts you for good.
Guide:
What do you mean?
THE BEAST:
My friend. Taught me how to be more than a Beast, got me attached. But really it was just about her. Never really cared about me. Just a way to make the family mad. Just a dumb animal to her. Or, that’s what “The Majesty” said.
Guide:
Right
THE BEAST:
Yeah. They did a lot of stuff to me in the dungeons, Guide. Body and head. But that hurt the most, once I started believing it. That it was all just… what do you call it. Manipulation. Course, they were manipulating me too, after all. Admitted it. Said, “if anyone can get my child to come home, maybe it’s you”. Made sure I’d want to track her down, then let me go. Nasty. You never wanna meet the Queen again, Guide. All they ever do is try to get you to do what they want
[Beat]
Guide:
Right. Thank you, for, sharing that with me.
THE BEAST:
I didn’t… It happened again. Didn’t mean to say that.
Guide:
I think we should-
THE BEAST:
You do something, Guide?
[A long, long pause]
Guide:
Initiating lockdown of Restoration Department.
[Shutters slam down over the department doors]
Guide:
I am sorry, Beast. For… I just had to be sure. And I didn’t know what the Queen is capable of so I wanted to make sure we were getting the whole story.
THE BEAST:
What’d you do, Guide?
Guide:
I don’t remember if I’ve mentioned it to you before, but we have a… the Museum has a machine that can grant wishes. And we don’t use it for… practically anything, for safety, but the Head of Research has been getting better at knowing its limits. So I asked her if we could wish that you couldn’t lie to me.
THE BEAST:
Ah.
Guide:
The Majesty sent you here to find the Man with a Voice like Honey and Chocolate and Coffee all at once.
THE BEAST:
Didn’t send me. Just… turned me against my friend and let me go. Came here cos I knew this was the best way to find a scent. And to get my wounds seen to. And… because I wanted to see you, Guide. And you know I can’t lie.
Guide:
That’s nice, Beast, but why did you lie to me before? You told me that the Queen tortured you then let you go out of nowhere. Now suddenly it’s “they turned me against my friend and sent me off to find them”. Why didn’t you tell the truth?
THE BEAST:
Wasn’t sure how you’d react.
Guide:
You thought I might react more poorly to that than I would to finding out you lied?
THE BEAST:
Well I didn’t intend you to find out. But also I thought maybe I’d be able to get you on my side. Didn’t need you, I’ve gotten to where I need to be just fine anyway, but would have been nice to have a friend help out.
Guide:
What do you mean, “you’ve gotten where you need to be”.
THE BEAST:
Ahhhh… This honesty thing is a real pain, Guide. Not a fan of this.
Guide:
What do you mean, “you’ve gotten”-
[The Beast groans as it gets to its feet]
THE BEAST:
Mean what I said. Didn’t think it would be this easy, but I guess for once luck’s on my side.
[The Beast grabs the bars to its cage and begins to pull. The sounds of rending, tearing metal]
Guide:
What are you doing, Beast?! Lie down, you’re tearing your stitches, there’s no way you’ll be able to-
THE BEAST:
I couldn’t lie when I said it wouldn’t be hard to pull these bars apart, Guide. You see?
Guide:
Beast, the Department is locked down. The doors to this room are much stronger than those bars- they work on very dangerous things in here, so containment is-
THE BEAST:
Right where I need to be, Guide. Like I said. Don’t mind the privacy.
Guide:
What do you-
[The grinding stops. Bars clatter to the ground. The Beast takes a heavy step into the Department proper.]
THE BEAST:
Never thought I was lucky before. Only good thing ever happened to me was my friend finding me as a pup. But this…
[Footsteps as the Beast stalks across the room]
Guide:
Where are you going, Beast?
THE BEAST:
What do you call these things again?
Guide:
Tables, desks. Beast-
THE BEAST:
Right, yeah. Guide I never thought I was lucky, until I woke up in here, took a look around, and saw this.
[Footsteps stop]
Guide:
Oh fuck.
THE BEAST:
The Queen gave you this bell, didn’t they? The metal woman had it in her hands after you met. You rung it yet?
Guide:
No. We never did. We weren’t sure what to do with it, so in the end it’s just wound up on the Head of Restoration’s desk.
THE BEAST:
Yeah. And then I wound up right over there, in that cage. Funny how things work, sometimes.
Guide:
Beast, please put the bell down-
THE BEAST:
There was a lot going on, back when I broke you out of the Keep. Fire and shouting and stinging arrows. But I remember what you said about this bell, Guide. Said to the nasty pointy one, while the metal woman was holding it. Told him that if she rang this bell, the Queen’s child would come. That right?
Guide:
Beast. Please, don’t do it. We have no idea what will happen if the Man-
THE BEAST:
I gotta, Guide. I have to know if… If I meant anything to my friend.
Guide:
Beast, the Man with the Voice- he’s been here before and it caused so much chaos- so many people died, Beast. And if he comes again, and the Queen finds out, who knows what will-
THE BEAST:
Guide. I could have made you let me out. Used your name. But I didn’t because I want us to be friends.
Guide:
We can be friends, Beast! Just don’t-
THE BEAST:
Please, just… I have to do this.
Guide:
BEAST, DON’T-
[The bell rings, a harmless little jingling that goes on and on as the Guide speaks]
Guide:
Initiating Lockdown of the whole museum.
THE BEAST:
Here we go.
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Lockdown
[Alarms sound. Running footsteps.]
Retrieval:
Guide? Guide what the hell is going on?
Guide:
The Beast has broken out of its cage and rung the Bell that the Fairy Queen gave us to summon the Man with the Voice like Honey and Chocolate and Coffee all at once.
Retrieval:
[Beat]. Oh okay.
Guide:
Yeah.
Retrieval:
So, what, is the Beast on the loose? Is the Man here? What’s the go?
Guide:
No. Uhhh, to both. The Beast is stuck in the Restoration Department, and the Man… well, he hasn’t shown up yet. Not sure what that means for now.
Retrieval:
What’s the Beast doing?
Guide:
Have a listen.
[A click. The Beast’s recorded voice is slightly tinny]
THE BEAST:
WHERE ARE YOU? SHOW YOURSELF. TELL ME THE TRUTH. YOU OWE ME THE-
[The Guide cuts off the recording]
Retrieval:
Right. Well, at least it’s contained.
Guide:
Yeah.
[Restoration arrives, her footsteps quick and sharp]
Restoration:
What on earth is going on?
Retrieval:
The Beast broke out and rang that bell the Queen gave the Guide.
Restoration:
Oh. Blast. Oh no, I really didn’t think-
Guide:
It’s fine, ma’am. Don’t apologise. Everything’s been so complex, and it’s happened so fast, nobody could have predicted that things would get so messed up.
Retrieval:
I mean, unless they had pattern recognition. Speaking of which, I’m gonna head for Shelter 601 with a bunch of my people so we can point a bunch of guns at a mirror.
Restoration:
What?
Guide:
You don’t think that-
Retrieval:
That the Queen somehow knows that the Man’s been summoned here? Guide, that would constitute something bad happening, so of course that’s what’s happened. There’s probably already a bunch of fairies banging on the Glassway’s cover.
Guide:
I’m looking through the monitoring station now, and I don’t see anything… But you’re probably right to prepare for the worst.
Retrieval:
Always. Can you coordinate with my people to make sure that all our valued patrons make it to shelters?
Guide:
Already on it. I’ll send the Clockwork Mother to Shelter 601 as well.
Retrieval:
Much obliged.
Restoration:
I’ll help guide patrons to the Shelters. We’ve closed off all the ones with Glassways leading to dangerous realms, haven’t we?
Guide:
Yes, which means we’ve cordoned off most of the Shelters. For once I’m kind of glad things have been a little slow since we’ve re-opened, means there’s fewer people to squeeze in.
Restoration:
Don’t let the Head of Patronage hear you say that. Speaking of which, is he-
Guide:
No idea.
Restoration:
Fair enough. Alright, let’s get to work managing another crisis, then!
Guide:
Never gets old, does it?
[The bell keeps jingling as we crossfade out of the museum and away to a cold, dark Keep in another world.]
The Queen:
[Gasp] At last. My child… At last… ATTENDANT!
Stranger:
Yes, your Majesty?
The Queen:
The moment has arrived. Assemble the war party.
Stranger:
[Horribly eager, now] Yes, your Majesty.
[The door to the Queen’s chamber closes]
The Queen:
My child… we shall be reunited at last.